Its funny as I look back on this past month there are many emotions that come to mind. Fear, uncertainty, joy, exhaustion, ect. Who knew I could feel all this in one given month. Well let me explain and I am sorry if you feel that I am rambling, or venting. But I feel it is time to get these emotions out.
It all started with me giving birth in the hospital. I was so frustrated and scared. I was being induced and my doctor hadn't really explained what to expect or what was going to happen. So I get to the hospital and the nurses were hooking me up to a million I.Vs and monitors from the feel of it. At this point I was bound and determined to do this without any pain killers. (That didn't last long once the pitocin kicked in.) Since my delivery I have been told the pain from pitocin induced contractions is much worse then natural birth. But how the heck should I know, I have nothing to compare it to. Anyways it was a long night. I didn't get much sleep due to the pain and poor Kyle. He was trying to sleep on the couch but because I was in so much pain he wasn't getting much sleep either. I finally got the epidural because the pain was getting to the point I couldn't handle it any longer. Everyone talks about epidurals like they are this big bad scary thing. Oh it was like manna from heaven. Relief! The epidural didn't hurt to get it felt like someone snapped a rubber band on my back that was it. After that both Kyle and I were able to sleep!
I was in labor a LONG time. 23 hours and 20 min.... boo! I think the one thing that bothered me the most from the delivery was here I was pushing, the doctor is yelling at me like a drill sergeant. Telling me to push and yet telling me she doesn't think that I will be able to do this with out a C section. Who does that? I mean seriously! And then low and behold I am ready to have my daughter and the doctor tells me to stop pushing because she is NOT dressed for it. Really? I mean seriously I have a baby in between my legs but I will stop trying to stop the pain from her just hanging out down there because you need to get dressed. Really? That was ridiculous! But in the end it was all worth it to hold my beautiful daughter in my arms. I think seeing my husband hold her for the first time was far better then anything I have ever experienced.
I was not happy to stay in the hospital for 2 days though. I was so ready to get out of that bed. I swear hospital beds were not made for comfort! I slept most of those 2 days but it was not comfortable. It amazed me though how quickly the motherly instinct kicks in. I was always worrying about my little girl. As soon as I woke up I wanted her brought to me. I wanted to be able to see her, watch her, touch her.
Our first night home was so scary. How was I suppose to know how to be a mother? I was now responsible for another person. What was the hospital thinking letting me leave? What if I messed up? How was I to know what to do? That night both Kyle and I got very little sleep. He was so cute. At every little sound he would be up checking on her, making sure she was okay. And she makes a lot of different sounds. She moans, snores, ect. Its actually entertaining to listen to but how were we suppose to know that first night?
Once that first night was over we were in for another obstacle. Her NOT sleeping at night. (At all!) Many of those first few nights I would end up falling asleep on the couch holding her. Those first few nights were rough. I was still so drained from the delivery, and trying to heal and I was lucky to get a few hours of sleep. Kyle tried to help but there is only so much he can do before I have to get up to feed her.
Feeding her was another obstacle. I was so worried because she wasn't eating. I was wanting to breast feed and well she wasn't sucking. I would get my breast in her mouth and she would not suck for anything. Finally I called a lady from church (she is a lactation consultant) With her help she finally started eating. But I still had NO idea what I was doing. I went to a breast feeding class but it was zero help because all it talked about was the benefits of breast feeding. I felt like I was back in high school trying to understand chemistry. I was lost.
My mother in law came and stayed for a week after. It was nice because she watched my little one while I rested and healed. Which is exactly what I needed at that point. But I was still lost. Was I doing this right? How was I suppose to know what she needed. The fallowing week my sister came for a week. That was also supper helpful but in a different way. She helped me know how to breast feed, and helped me get her sleeping better. It was so helpful! Now she will at least sleep for 3-4 hours at a time at night. Thank goodness! But I have defiantly had my ups and downs. It has taken some getting use to. In the end its worth it!

The last few weeks have been crazy! I am getting use to dealing with another life other then my own. Madison is beautiful and changing so much everyday. Kyle's mom was here for a week helping me out. It was so helpful. I mean here I was trying to heal from giving birth and dealing with a new born baby. I had no idea how hard it can be.
The week after my sister was here to help me. It was awesome to see her again. It has been so long since I saw her last. It was so sweet of both my mother in law and my sister to give up time with there kids and families to help me. Thank you so much to both of them!

 Madison joined our family this past Wednesday. She is so sweet!

Its a new Year!

Wow I look back and wonder were last year went. It seemed to fly by so quickly. I am a little sad about how quick it went, but at the same time I look forward to the adventures this new year holds. I mean in a few short months Kyle and I will be holding a little bundle of joy of our own. It is so exciting to think that we will be parents soon.

At the beginning of each year many people make resolutions to become better people or do better at something or other. But ironically I have never given into the hype of doing this. But oddly enough I have thought of something I want to resolve to do. I am not making a resolution to loose weight, exercise every day, be more financially minded, keep the house cleaner, ect. All those things would be nice but what I have decided to do is simply look at people the way our Heavenly Father sees them. I want to see the good in people before I judge them. I want to look at someone and see them as a son or daughter of God. That is what we all are and as such they deserve to be seen that way, no matter what life has thrown at them. I do not know there life story. I do not know what has brought them to were they are in life. I need to give them the benefit of the doubt. That is what I want people to do for me so it should really start with me!

Tomorrow is my anniversary! Crazy!

Well Thanksgiving was good. It was fun to talk to people. I got to talk to my sister and my parents and that was fun. This Thanksgiving we were all at different places, but we all managed to enjoy ourselves. But with Thanksgiving passing its hard to believe that Kyle's and mine anniversary is tomorrow that is crazy! 2 years tomorrow. Wow I can't believe it.

I hope everyone had a great thanksgiving!

Precious night time moments

Well last night I was asleep and I get woke up by a very excited Kyle. He felt the baby move for the first time. He had fallen asleep with his hand on my stomach and was woken up by what can best be described and bubbles. It wasn't a kick as of yet but it was defiantly not me. It was a really precious moment to realize that this is real. There really is a little one inside of me.

Well thankfully I am starting to get over the morning sickness portion of the pregnancy. But the down side is I am dealing with the hormones times ten. I can't seem to figure out if I am happy, sad, frustrated or what because it all seems to change from one moment to the next. Not a fan but in the end it will be worth it.

oh my aching back

Oh my aching back! So I am doing well over all, the morning sickness is lessening but now it hurts to sleep thanks to my lovely back. But I am sure the worst is yet to come. But bring it on!

Baby Stewart!

Its our little baby! It was really cool to watch. The doctor said everything looks healthy. The heart beat is 162 BPM nice and healthy. The baby was jumping around like crazy! Due April 29th, 2011

Life is crazy and I feel bad for not updating in a while. But it is a fun ride of life. Working lots, and all that. Right now my mother in law is in town, Kyle's sister just had her baby. So Janet is here to help out for the week. Haven't seen them much but its okay. Its crazy to think that the baby is already over a week old. They named her Jocelynn Ruth. They are both J names so they had to keep it alive!

If The Savior Stood Beside Me

So I think I have finally come to terms with everything that has happened to me lately. (Medical stuff) Its a lot to take in, but it interesting how Heavenly Father blesses us even in our trials. He tests us and sees how we will act and then he waits for us to call on him. The moment we do he reaches out and wraps his arms of mercy around us.

The trials are still there but I am at peace. A peace that only comes from Heavenly Father. I understand now that things happen for a reason and that I am just glad we figured out what was wrong with me. No I do not like having to be jabbed by a million needles in order to figure that out but now I can be healthier and move on. I am not saying that I do not have my days. I have those day, were I question and ask "Heavenly Father is this really necessary? Why can't you just fix this?" But there is a reason in all things. And as I bear my trials I will be blessed! I wonder some times if the Savior was sitting with me would I be more optimistic or would I see my trials as I do now? Would I listen to the spirit more? Would I see the blessings in my life? Interesting concept to think about. What would you do different if the Savior was with you were you could see him? I hope that we wouldn't change but I think I personally still have work to get to that point.

Rigoletto: April Child

This brought back Childhood memories and I love Italian so it was perfect!

Thanksgiving Point

Yesterday Kyle and I both had the day off so we went to Thanksgiving point gardens, it was a blast!

mothers day

thank you all the mothers for all you do. you make me who i am and who i will be!

job changes

well the last little while has been interesting... so rumors have been flying around at work that they were going to disband my shift. Well yesterday was when I got pulled aside and told that this was in fact true. Sadly my supervisor was going to put me on nights due to the fact that I one of the lowest seniority wise. That means 5 p.m. to 1:30 a.m. Soon as he said that I kept telling him that I couldn't do nights and seriously was balling my eyes out. I was hormonal anyways but that was the topper on the cake. I think I kind of scared everyone because I was so emotional and I never get that upset. I knew if I was put on nights that I would NEVER see my husband that when we have kids we would have a babysitter constantly and that is the one thing I refuse to allow is to have my kids raised by a babysitter or daycare.

But I guess the crying worked because not an hour later I was offered another position in the mornings. 7 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. Not too bad plus Kyle and I can actually spend time with one another. I am really looking forward to that.

Special Witnesses of Christ (8)

this is my favorite video and explains christ's atonement the best.

Easter

Easter always makes me happy partially because it marks the beginning of spring but also because it one of the few times the world openly celebrates Christ. It is the one time a year that we as a human population get to celebrate the sacrifice of Christ. When I think of the sacrifice of the atonement I don't just think of his sacrifice but also the sacrifice that a loving Heavenly Father made. I mean how difficult must it of been to know the hardships and persecutions and pain a son would go through and still know that he must suffer it, so that all may be saved.

I think of the pain that Jesus Christ suffered. How many of the blood drops that were shed were for me? I think of all the pain that he suffered with out complaint. When he was in the Garden of Gethsemane taking on the sins of the world. Taking away my sins. I know I am not perfect and I know that I have made mistakes and will continue to make mistakes. But I know because of him I can repent and get up and try again.

month of crazy

Well this last little while has been exiting to say the least. Well it all started with a trip to the doctors.... I thought I might be pregnant, lets set the record straight I am NOT! But back to my story I thought I might be I had all the symptoms, plus the lovely fact I was 3 weeks late on my cycle. But the funny thing is I would take the home pregnancy tests and they would all come up negative. So I went to the doctors he did a blood test which was also negative. But they found and elevated amounts of prolactin a hormone that is produced by the pituitary gland. When the doctor found this out he sent me off to the hospital to get a CAT scan. Oh this is my worst fear I am so closterphobic mostly in tight places. But if anyone thinks that being placed in a small tube where my elbows are constantly hitting the walls, having something on my face and the surrounding surface maybe 4 inches from my body is fun or therapeutic THINK AGAIN!

I went in thinking okay I am going to concur my fear, I can so this! Yeah not so great I get put on this slab and they start putting pillows around my face so I will not move my head and then this thing comes on my head. They try disguising this as anything other then a torture tactic by putting a warm blanket over you, but it doesn't work with me I know the truth! When I get in there I seriously start balling my eyes out. It is anything but fun and I would not wish this on my worst enemy. Soon as I am able to calm down the thing jolts me forward and backward and I start crying all over again. The whole time this sweet little voice is on the intercom "your doing great Mrs. Stewart!" Of course I am, I am stuck in a tiny tube with no escape what else do you expect me to do? I can't exactly run away! I guess because I wasn't screaming hysterically I was doing great!

Well then I got to see the doctor again, found out that I have a small growth on my pituitary gland (not cancerous) that is causing the elevated level of prolactin. He explained the side effects of not doing anything could be very harmful. It could cause diabetes, infertility, and if left long enough it could cause heart problems. Well I didn't want that. I have no desire to have heart problems or diabetes thank you very much and I want to be able to have kids. I remember when I was younger we had a school project to come up with a job for a job fair and my 7 year old self decided I would be a mom. Most of the students were telling me that wasn't a real job but my teacher loved it. (Helped that she had a son that was like 2.)

Anyways the doctor told me that there was something we could do... I get to take pills for the rest of my life.... well at least till I hit metapause. Not really overly excited about this but I do want to be able to have kids. Besides it helps get rid of the pregnancy symptoms. So I take this tiny little half a pill 2 times a week not too bad. I nearly had a heart attack when we went to pick up the pills though, it made me so glad that we have insurance! For 4 pills it was $117 insurance covered all but $37 made me so happy. But for 4 pills that is insane! I get to go back next month and get more blood drawn to make sure the pills are doing there job properly. And I did some research and apparently it helps if I get more zinc in my diet so I am trying that as well. We will see what happens. I am not too worried.

Kyle has been amazing during this whole thing telling me things are going to be okay even though I think he was a little nervous himself. But I am so glad I have him by my side he is my knight in shinning armor! I love him and would be lost with out him!

Criminal Minds--The Internet is Forever (Scene S05E22)

This is a portion of the TV show Criminal minds. This particular episode is about how someone uses the online sites against there victims. Its actually really funny mostly because it is so true!

Week in review

well this past little while has been crazy. At work they have been transferring people like crazy. My crew at work use to be 30 some people.... now we are down to 12! And only 8 full timers. It is crazy, the worst part was not knowing who was being transfered and who was staying. They were pulling people one at a time, so we never knew. Everyone was nervous and all day we would think is it going to be me? Is it me? Plus to top it off almost everyone was being transfered to the evening crew the 5 p.m. to 1:30 AM shift. Talk about nasty! I feel bad though one of the guys they transfered has been married a little over a month and his wife works days so this is going to make it so they never see each other. NASTY! But we are finally all staying. It was so nerve racking. I guess I can see were they are coming from but at the same time it is hard because our crew was so close, we were like a family. And they started tearing that family apart. As a result emotions ran high.

Lets see other then that I have been shopping for baby gifts. I know 2 people that are expecting. My sister in law.... still don't know what she is having. And a girl at work, she is having a boy! Its so cute seeing the baby bumps! But I am happy for them. I was talking with Nichole not to long ago she is ready for me to have one of my own, but understands the time is not right. She wants her kids to have a niece or nephew from the Ziegler side of things and as I am the only married sibling the responsibility falls on me. LOL I don't mind the pressure, but not yet, soon but not yet.