Its funny as I look back on this past month there are many emotions that come to mind. Fear, uncertainty, joy, exhaustion, ect. Who knew I could feel all this in one given month. Well let me explain and I am sorry if you feel that I am rambling, or venting. But I feel it is time to get these emotions out.
It all started with me giving birth in the hospital. I was so frustrated and scared. I was being induced and my doctor hadn't really explained what to expect or what was going to happen. So I get to the hospital and the nurses were hooking me up to a million I.Vs and monitors from the feel of it. At this point I was bound and determined to do this without any pain killers. (That didn't last long once the pitocin kicked in.) Since my delivery I have been told the pain from pitocin induced contractions is much worse then natural birth. But how the heck should I know, I have nothing to compare it to. Anyways it was a long night. I didn't get much sleep due to the pain and poor Kyle. He was trying to sleep on the couch but because I was in so much pain he wasn't getting much sleep either. I finally got the epidural because the pain was getting to the point I couldn't handle it any longer. Everyone talks about epidurals like they are this big bad scary thing. Oh it was like manna from heaven. Relief! The epidural didn't hurt to get it felt like someone snapped a rubber band on my back that was it. After that both Kyle and I were able to sleep!
I was in labor a LONG time. 23 hours and 20 min.... boo! I think the one thing that bothered me the most from the delivery was here I was pushing, the doctor is yelling at me like a drill sergeant. Telling me to push and yet telling me she doesn't think that I will be able to do this with out a C section. Who does that? I mean seriously! And then low and behold I am ready to have my daughter and the doctor tells me to stop pushing because she is NOT dressed for it. Really? I mean seriously I have a baby in between my legs but I will stop trying to stop the pain from her just hanging out down there because you need to get dressed. Really? That was ridiculous! But in the end it was all worth it to hold my beautiful daughter in my arms. I think seeing my husband hold her for the first time was far better then anything I have ever experienced.
I was not happy to stay in the hospital for 2 days though. I was so ready to get out of that bed. I swear hospital beds were not made for comfort! I slept most of those 2 days but it was not comfortable. It amazed me though how quickly the motherly instinct kicks in. I was always worrying about my little girl. As soon as I woke up I wanted her brought to me. I wanted to be able to see her, watch her, touch her.
Our first night home was so scary. How was I suppose to know how to be a mother? I was now responsible for another person. What was the hospital thinking letting me leave? What if I messed up? How was I to know what to do? That night both Kyle and I got very little sleep. He was so cute. At every little sound he would be up checking on her, making sure she was okay. And she makes a lot of different sounds. She moans, snores, ect. Its actually entertaining to listen to but how were we suppose to know that first night?
Once that first night was over we were in for another obstacle. Her NOT sleeping at night. (At all!) Many of those first few nights I would end up falling asleep on the couch holding her. Those first few nights were rough. I was still so drained from the delivery, and trying to heal and I was lucky to get a few hours of sleep. Kyle tried to help but there is only so much he can do before I have to get up to feed her.
Feeding her was another obstacle. I was so worried because she wasn't eating. I was wanting to breast feed and well she wasn't sucking. I would get my breast in her mouth and she would not suck for anything. Finally I called a lady from church (she is a lactation consultant) With her help she finally started eating. But I still had NO idea what I was doing. I went to a breast feeding class but it was zero help because all it talked about was the benefits of breast feeding. I felt like I was back in high school trying to understand chemistry. I was lost.
My mother in law came and stayed for a week after. It was nice because she watched my little one while I rested and healed. Which is exactly what I needed at that point. But I was still lost. Was I doing this right? How was I suppose to know what she needed. The fallowing week my sister came for a week. That was also supper helpful but in a different way. She helped me know how to breast feed, and helped me get her sleeping better. It was so helpful! Now she will at least sleep for 3-4 hours at a time at night. Thank goodness! But I have defiantly had my ups and downs. It has taken some getting use to. In the end its worth it!